Death is a concept, I am not sure I will ever fully grasp.
While there is nothing more certain to life, it’s easy to shun the idea until we are forced to meet it head on.
Never before have I felt the multitude of emotions, as I did the day we lost Jonny.
May 27, 2007, I lost a dear friend in a car accident.
{You may recall my post on footprints}.
They say time heals, but I can promise you 5 years later, it feels no different. The pain still cuts deep.
I remember the smell in the air. I remember the phone call that he had gone missing. I remember the desperation as we physically combed the canyons searching, calling his name. I remember Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry” constantly echoing in the background. I remember exactly where I was when I received the news. I remember complete denial. I remember sobbing.
While I believe in heaven, and I have no doubt that the angels have been rejoicing since Jonny entered their kingdom, it still doesn’t make perfect sense.
Ecclesiastes 3:2 tells us… there is a time to be born, and a time to die.
And while that is a beautiful truth, it doesn’t seem fair that a perfect life would be cut short.
Visiting Jonny’s grave site yesterday with his beautiful Momma, was the perfect healing. It allowed me to revisit these emotions of 5 years ago, and truly feel the pain from the depths of my soul. While I definetely grieved his untimely death, I am not sure I fully dealt with it. At the time, I wanted so badly to block it from my mind, for my reality seemed far to threatening. And while not a day has gone by that I have not thought of him, I knew when I was ready, I would go there.
But once YOUR a momma, and have no choice but to be an adult, you quickly learn to DEAL with it.
While loosing someone so close to me, will never perfect sense, I can see the work it has done in me, and see some good in that. 5 years later, I can still hear Jonny’s voice, his quarky sayings, I can remember his smell. That never goes away. I can stop myself in my tracks when I’ve faced a fork in the road, and hear him whisper the right way to me. While the little “triggers” used to throw me over the edge, I can now thank God that I was blessed to know such a beautiful soul that is still with me, 5 years later. That is a gift.