I have edited this post quite a few times in hopes that I say all the right things and protect everyone involved. I walk a fine line with this subject and while I love sharing my story with you all, I always try my best to write with that in mind.
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It’s been awhile since I did an update on the “time shared” aspect of our lives. I know there are some of you that are living, or have lived, a situation similar. I also know that my transparency in my experience with divorce, custody, and single parenting offers hope and support to some of you. Truly, this is therapy for all of us.
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A lot has changed since I wrote last. At the beginning of 2012, a 50/50 custody split became my reality. Half the time with her dad. Half with me. It was heartbreaking as a mom to give up half of her. Up until that point I was present for every milestone, every minute to her day, and suddenly some outsider was going to tell me what was in her best interest. I think the hardest part for me has always been putting my trust into someone that I never fully trusted to begin with. A year and a half later, and I still struggle with the same things. Just less of the time.
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The custody schedule quickly worked it’s way into my favor. And while I’ll never publicly express my opinions on him as a father, I’ll be transparent on the current state of things. I’ve learned over the past two years that what goes on during his watch is completely out of my control. All I can do is my part and fill in the gaps the best I can. The past two years have been spent fine tuning Landyn and I’s life. I’m more cautious. I ask questions. I stand up for myself. I speak up. I deal with things as they happen. I think ahead. I validate. I’m honest with myself.
I’m not saying any of this comes without drawbacks. Do I worry about the health of that father/daughter relationship? Absolutely. Does the time she does spend away from me still prove to be a struggle? 3 days of complete pit in my stomach anxiety. Does being a one parent show day in and day out become exhausting. Without a doubt but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Do I second guess myself and wonder if I am covering all the bases with her because no one else will? Definitely. I am working through all of these things as they are constantly swirling around in my head. I am not sure if I will ever be completely okay with any of it.
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It’s so easy to paint a perfect picture of our life through all the social media channels. I’ve been told I do that well. But the reality is no situation is perfect. Josh and I both give and take. There’s nights that this is the topic of our conversation and he listens to me vent. But I think the openness we share as a couple is what strengthens our bond and makes us work. He’s exactly what I need. His patience. His support. His dedication. Life currently has me feeling so incredibly blessed. I’m an advocate for anyone struggling in a bad situation to FIND YOUR HAPPINESS. It’s there I promise you. There may be times of struggle, but always stand up for yourself and do what is best for you.
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